The Fear of Love Lost...and the Little Death

Lonely Dream-Boat

Until recently, I've managed to ‘avoid' for the inevitable for quite sometime now...falling in love with a dear friend and frequent companion.  Just as I was beginning to 'settle in' to this new-found emotion...things change...as they always do. And the reason I've avoided falling in love is because of the obvious pitfall...the one of the shadow sides of love: fear of losing that love. 

Never good...but, inevitable? Maybe not, but it almost goes with the territory.  It is truly a rare thing when two people fall in love...with each other...at the same time...for the same reasons.  Boy, when I put it like that, it's surprising that everyone doesn't live lives of ‘quiet desperation'...constantly!

In direct opposition to this ideal of love, is (my own) fierce need for independence.

In my ‘struggle' to be independent, I've found that there is also a level of self-fulfilling prophecy...and aloneness.  This is not the goal of independence, but sometimes the consequence. If I push someone away who is getting too close for comfort, I don't have to deal with their problems.  It's a great way of going off and living in a fantasy world.  Within this particular fantasy, I've been *blissfully* living in my own construct of what I *thought* I wanted from my love-interest...knowing (rational mind now speaking) that he is not in love with me...Oh, what a tangled web we weave!

When the event came up last week that launched my most-recent growth-spurt, it set into motion a conversation that had been long overdue.  As soon as we start lying...no matters how wonderfully creative and justified (in our own minds) that may be...the lies take on a life of their own.  The ‘lie' was really to myself...that I either wasn't in love or that I would never have to *admit* it...to myself OR him.  In my ferocity for independent, I've often pushed people away rather than invite a potential new lover or friend into my life.  You may suspect that I'm STILL in this process of self-discovery, as I think most ‘thinking' people are...no one really knows to what extent unless we choose to reveal it to them. 

My journey has never been an easy one, but I have come to appreciate the ‘dip' in the path as much as the joys.  In fact, it's these dips that are necessary for getting to the next level.  All is as it should be, we don't always get to the point of understanding what that is...it's the stuff of drama and poetry, song and legend.  Once we ‘get' that life starts and ends with ourselves at its center, then nothing ‘happens' that is ever outside of us...nothing. 

No one (outside) ‘caused' me pain; through my association with that which is called *you*...the other, that I have come to see myself more clearly...though that vision came with a price, sometime pain, anger, and even copious tears.  The tears were a necessary process of release.  The us-and-them dichotomy that we're experiencing is all part of this realization...of what is real, and what we've ‘made up' along the way to justify all of those things which don't seem like the *me* we've created.  It's only through this process that *I* grow; hopefully, that growth won't come with a price we're not willing to pay.

...these were insights I pulled out of this experience.  Was it a necessary *evil* (metaphysically, living backward)?  Or, was it a blessing in disguise?  Could it be both?  As I grow, so my understanding of this process we call living grows.  I can then help others to see through the eyes of my experience...but I can never live it for them.  This is the downside of freewill...if there is such a thing!  Really, each of us are just doing the best we know how to do with the tools we have available.  The best thing to do then is to pick myself off [singing a happy tune], dust myself off, and start all over again!

There *will* be a next time.  I have not been 'put-off' from re-experiencing this most difficult...and cherished...of human emotions.  Far from it...I am stronger and more confident of my ability to manage the peaks and valleys that lie await ahead.  I now cherish the next journey...rather than pine after the one completed, perhaps knowing that I could've done *better*...which is ridiculous in the extreme!  As Alanis Morrisette's song goes, "You Learn":

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone

I recommend walking around naked in your living room

Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)

It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)

Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn

It is only through the learning process...a mild form of *death*...that we acquire the tools we need for the next level...the next journey...the next love.  To choose otherwise is truly to die...NOT trying...which is a choice of fear, not of living.  Life comes with a price, love comes with a price, but your only other option is to cash in your chips.  Others have tried, but...IMHO...that is no way to live.

Blessings my friends,

Rev Debi Brady